I’m 90% sure that I am melting.
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1. Having your eyes pried open and being forced to watching hours upon hours of propaganda videos, Clockwork Orange-style.
2. Stepping in dog poop.
3. Stepping in dog poop with both shoes.
4. Stepping in dog poop with both shoes while simultaneously being shit on by a pigeon.
5. Being shit on by 25 pigeons.
6. Crawling slowly through an extremely full sewage pipe.
7. Having a hangnail and not being able to get rid of it.
8. Having a blister on your big toe.
9. Having blisters on all of your toes.
10. Being covered in blisters, all over your entire body.
11. Having Serena Williams serve a tennis ball right at your genitals.
12. Having Serena Williams serve a tennis ball right at your genitals from point-blank range.
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13. Having the plot of Snakes on a Plane happen to you IRL.
14. Being possessed by an evil spirit.
15. Drinking from what you think is a bottle of water only to have it be straight vodka.
16. Ordering a chai latte and being given a regular latte.
17. Ordering a chai latte and being given a vial of arsenic.
18. Only being able to listen to Nickelback for an entire year.
19. Being able to look at a dog but not actually being able to pet it.
20. People who wear Crocs regularly.
21. People who wear popped collars regularly.
22. People who wear oversized leopard-print fedoras regularly.
23. Going for a haircut and having them accidentally chop off all of your hair.
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