This is “there’s an app for that” for anyone who remembers the slogan “there’s an app for that.”
1. A Freecycle specifically for mid-priced wedding gifts.
2. Pizza-flavoured kale.
3. A "mute" button you can use in company on parents who have suddenly become inexplicably politically incorrect.
4. Restaurants that serve antacids with the bill, instead of mints.
5. Instant telepathic Urban Dictionary that explains young-person slang, and includes expiration dates, so you don't mistakenly use the word "peng" when it was last spoken aloud in 2006.
6. Matrix-style, mentally-downloadable knowledge about how much salt we should be eating, which bits of our bodies we have to check for lumps, and how often.
7. Hangover-free beer.
8. Work holidays specifically for hangovers.
9. An app which generates believable-sounding weekend plans that you can share with colleagues on a Friday afternoon or Monday morning, instead of "Netflix" and "wondering where my life has gone."
10. A Star Trek-style transporter that a) automatically senses when an evening out has reached its peak, and b) instantaneously delivers you home to your bed, teeth brushed, pyjamas on, alarm set.
CBS / Paramount / s358.photobucket.com
11. Biodegradable clones that you can send to weddings that are held in the countryside and last all weekend.
12. "Pop-Up Video"-style information boxes for EVERY SINGLE SINGLE IN THE CHARTS.
13. An app that sends you a mild electric shock when you're about to say age-revealing terms such as "single" and "charts".
14. A plain English Apps Store explainer that details the real-world usage and appeal of Snapchat and Vine.
15. Bank accounts that deposit a heartwarming £5 into your account whenever a shop assistant mistakes you for a young person and asks for your ID.
16. A robot accountant that won't judge your Amazon expenditures. Everyone needs a body pillow, sinus irrigator and hot water bottle.
17. A 3am body-ache analyser that tells you immediately if it's a heart attack so you don't have to worry.
18. Smart sunglasses that tell you exactly how old anyone under 30 is because they all look the damn same.
19. A special nightclub with comfortable seating, where the music plays at a volume which allows you to talk to your friends.
20. A virtual accountant who explains your financial options using familiar memes and reaction gifs.
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