Where hope goes to die.
1. Eureka! There is one last place I can look to dig up information on a particular individual I fully admit to stalking — to the LinkedIn we go!
2. And here they are. Yessssss. Click!
3. Oh shit. Oh shit. Am I going to show up as having visited their profile? Too late now.
4. Who is this person requesting to connect? "...has indicated you are a friend?" Um, no.
5. OK. I know this is an automated option — "Since you are a person I trust, I wanted to invite you to join my network on LinkedIn" — but still...how do you know you can trust me? I don't even know you! Don't you know I'm loco?
6. Wonder who has visited my profile lately...
7. "Someone in the film and entertainment industry in Los Angeles"??? Who is it? OMG it's probably Harvey Weinstein. Or someone else who wants to give me a billion dollars. Clearly.
8. Just kidding. It's probably someone boring.
9. But seriously, where's the secret button that gives you your dream job? I'm looking, but I don't see it.
10. Well, while I'm here, I might as well read this Fast Company article.
11. Oh! And this Business Insider article on the pay gap for female employees. Man. That's some unfair shit.
12. What other articles do they have? NPR: "Why Women Don't Ask For More Money." Ohmygodddddd being a woman is the worst.
13. Wait, how have I spent the past two hours on LinkedIn?
14. Who else has visited my profile? In other words, who thinks I am an impressive human being?
15. My ex from 5 years ago? Awkward! Go away!
16. Now...be very careful and do not accidentally click that profile. OK, good.
17. "143 more people viewed you"?!?! I must know the people.
18. LinkedIn is probably just saying that to make me feel good about myself.
19. But then again...maybe I should pay for that upgraded membership? Just to see? And cancel it right after? If it's like $3.99, then it's worth it.
20. They bill ANNUALLY? Oh, hell no.
21. Will this site ever help me?
22. It's probably good to be on it. To network and stuff. You never know.
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