Or: how you too can fail to become Jason Bourne in just a few hours.
I learned that there is a secret spy training centre in Soho.
This is a slight exaggeration. There are the offices of a PR company, who wanted to plug a new series that's out on DVD and Blu-Ray, and to do so they hired in some ex-spies and soldiers to teach journalists how to be James Bond. I thought I'd spotted a gem of an oppotunity and took them up on this.
It turned out pretty much every other publication, all the way from the Sunday Sport to Vice to the Telegraph - had also taken up the offer. What I assumed was going to be intimate, personalised training was actually going to be a sort of corporate away day for hacks who wanted to laugh at each other.
I learned that a new TV series about spies contains a scene involving oral sex.
To warm us up, they showed us some clips from the series this was all in aid of. Not only would it get us excited about the DVD release, it would give us a flavour of the day.
The two clips featured a man walking down the street, which we were pretty confident we could do, and a woman giving a guy a blowjob, which as you can see from the above picture we were less confident about.
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I learned about the Cold War and industrial surveillance.
This is Dave, who used to be in the SAS and operated undercover in East Berlin before the wall came down before moving into the world of corporate security and industrial espionage and suchforth.
When I grow up, I want to be Dave.
Alan White / BuzzFeed
I learned about all these gadgets.
You think they look like ordinary household objects, don't you? WRONG, fools!
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